Would you

Would you touch the moon

if you could?

Surrender the stars

pack them together and send them out.

Never alone

always shining

Would you capture the sun’s

light

if you could

grasp it in your palm

give it heat

instead of being heated.

Letting it transduce you

into a shining

bright light.

Never to stop glowing

always shining.

Would you touch my heart

if you could have it

all,

in your hand

like a glowing flower

spreading life all around.

Would you?

 

– M. Stojanovic

The shield

-That’s not what I’m saying!

-But what are you really saying, that no one wouldn’t care??

– I don’t care what no one, who ever that is, cares or not! No one is the problem here! He raised his voice and without noticing, she responded:

– So you mean you don’t care that everyone would think I’m a freak doing this??

He started getting furious:

– Every one is the problem of our relationship! We can’t do anything without “every one” is being involved! You don’t really care about me as long as I’m around you, doing what you think is ok, or what you think that “every one” would think is ok. Do you realise how freaking stupid it is to let “every one” ruin your life? You’re not even happy or sad if that’s not ok with “every one” I’m so tired of being in this three-part relationship!

She stared at him as he had just pulled a mask of himself, revealing a stranger.

-I do love you, don’t get me wrong. But I think that you love “every one” else more than me. You’re here just because you shouldn’t be alone, you shouldn’t be in some other place, according to “every one”. You’re not here because of my love or the affection I give you, you’re here because you need someone next to you on official cases. Well, listen to this, I’ve spent the last two years trying to get through your shield, but I never thought it would be made of steel. Not until now. I don’t know you, because I don’t know “every one”.

Slowly her feet weakened and she sat down on the floor with the wall holding up her back. Her face wasn’t revealing anything. It was like she had been somewhere else, in another world. How could he say she wasn’t trying? She had put so much effort into making this relationship what it was. And now he was saying he didn’t know her.

As he hadn’t seen her react, he continued:

– Ana, I’m trying to communicate with you for years and lately it just feels that you’re not here. You’re in your own world, your own bubble, where I don’t fit in. Not the one I really am. I’m not coordinated with the version of me that you have in your head. And that scares me.

– But I’m listening to you Ben. I always have.

– Yes you have, but my voice is nothing compared to that of “every one”. Why don’t you just let go of the control and start living. Living your own life. With me.

Tears fell down on her red top and she still sat still.

– I don’t understand what’s wrong. I’m here and I’m listening. What else can I do Ben?

– Ana, if you want to continue with me, you have to break up with “every one”…

– Ben did you realise that Paulo left Laura when she was 3 months pregnant. They still talk about it at the gym. I don’t want to be Laura… I don’t want people to look at me like that..

– Ana you’re doing it again. I’m talking about you and me! Not any one else.

-But if you leave me I’ll end up like Laura. She slowly looked at him where he was standing by the kitchen door.

– Ana for God’s sake! Listen! I am not leaving you! I am only telling you to not listen to what people are saying! Live your own life! I would be glad to be a part of it but not if I have to share it with strangers’ opinions that seem to be so much stronger than your own will.

Ana stood up, holding her hands behind her back as to secure the wall was still there. She was calm, as she had left to somewhere else and just had her physical body standing there in their hallway.

Ben looked at her. She shifted mood and he knew that only meant that she was ignoring his words. She was unbelievable. Five years have passed and someone so independent had become so dependent of other people’s opinions that she was now living her life through their eyes. Like they were her master of life, “every one” was always right. Never was she listening to her own feelings. He didn’t want to realise that no matter what he did, he wouldn’t be able to break through her shield. It was perhaps built already many lives ago, but he didn’t seem to have the key to release her.

Don’t waste your time

“The richest place on earth is the cemetery. There you will find books that were never written. Loved ones that were never forgiven. Ideas that were smitten, and dreams that were forbidden. Paintings that were neither drawn or hung. Songs neither composed or sung. Souls that left without doing what they really wanted to do. So don´t you ……dare die with your greatness buried within you.”

Let’s meet at the airport

Leah sat by her computer. She was in a bloody good mood! The drink next to her cold hand might have had something to do with the good feeling, but on the other hand, she never drank if she didn’t feel happy. What to do, what to do, she was thinking. There were not many options as the snow was pouring down the window and it was colder than in her fridge. Hmm fridge, she thought, that’s rally bad. Summer was best wintertime. Not any time of the year was she so reminded of walking the clean streets with just a top and short skirt, perhaps even barefoot. Feeling the blank pavement under her feet or even fine-grained white sand.

She felt warmer just by the thought of being somewhere warm. She came to think of that one time she was restless just like tonight. Catching the train to somewhere, getting off where she felt like and picking the next train just by the colours of the wagons. If she liked them, she’d get on board.

Once she had stepped in to one of the purple wagons and found a seat in an empty wagon. The music was so loud in her headphones that she hadn’t heard or recognized anyone entering the coupé. Daydreaming was her job and once her favourite music hit the ears, she was lost in translation. In the middle of her favourite song, a guy sat down on the seat facing hers and he had a crocked but kind smile. She smiled back as she heard her band singing “… tell him you found your lover down on Lovers lane…” She couldn’t help but smile back and show her straight white teeth.

That was an encounter she’d never forget even though two years has passed. However she was now getting out of her daydreaming from the computer and already headed towards her light yellow box. She opened it slowly and looked at all letters and card facing her eyes. One by one she took them up, reading a bit from each card or letter until she came halfway and found a train ticket. it was scuffed and one could hardly read either destination nor time. But there was a text on it that was clearly stronger than all other printed information. “If you ever get bored, catch a flight to a warm destination and I’ll meet you there. Your smile will once again hit my eyes and there’s nothing stopping us.”

She just smiled, quickly packed a small bag and lastly took her passport and some money. Before locking the door, she grabbed her notebook and a pen and then left without noticing the black room she was leaving. The journey to the airport took her only 2 hours and once there she checked the departure list on the big wall covered by TV’s, numbers and destination. Happy and uplifted she had sent him a text to pack his bag, now was the time. As trying to decide where to go, an older man bumped in to her by his bags and she looked down for a second only to see his suitcase covered with stickers from everywhere. There was a bright yellow one that caught her attention, “Guatemala – the magic land of the sun”.

Nothing told her to stop herself once she had paid her ticket by the encounter. The blonde lady had been looking at her very sceptical, and asking several times if she had really thought through this thing as it seemed irrational. Leah didn’t bother answering with any words, she just smiled at the lady while giving her the credit card. Once passed the security check which was less crowded than when she had been passing it the last time just two months ago, she went to the Tax free shop and got a bottle of Absolute Vodka. She wanted to bring a good present that represented her and also her departure country. While waiting to board the gate she had a coffee, looking at people passing by. Real tourists, business men in suits that looked jailed with their computers in hand and that probably didn’t notice they weren’t breathing until the got out of the suit, women with screaming babies, lost elder people who looked frightened at any men which probably was a terrorist in their eyes. She smiled, she had a feeling that could calm anyone in this airport. Confidence stroke her blood and she knew he would be there. He didn’t confirm her message but she didn’t need a confirmation once her gut feeling was this happy and the butterflies had left their warm, safe cocoons in her stomach.

The flight was comfortable and she was surprised she could sleep most of the time as she was really eager to get there as soon as possible. The heat shocked her a bit when she reached the exit and took the small steps down to the ground. Her nose quickly remembered the smell of ocean and palm trees. She found her sunglasses at the bottom of her handbag and followed the others toward a squared building. Even though she was safe behind the dark glasses, people seemed to notice her smile and her excited energy. She took her little bag, which for once was among the first one to show up on the black track. She hope there was a coffee or bar close to the exit where she could wait. There were more people waiting by the exit than she expected and she was a bit surprised but also happy she wasn’t blonde. Her dark brown hair and sunglasses didn’t reveal her ancestry but smoothly mixed with the locals. At the other end of the exit was a small bar, she was even lucky to get a seat facing the exit doors.

She had still not got any confirmation he was on his way and she had finished her third beer when she noticed it was slowly getting dark outside. “You will miss me when the sunrise hits the clouds and awakens the people around you”. She heard his soft voice in his head, now dreaming back to the coupé where they had shared many hours of their lives together. He had left in the early morning without even noticing the sunset closing the day and the night taking over the landscape. Her eyes had been captivated in the darkness of his dark brown eyes, mysteriously talking in a language she could not yet understand. A glass hitting the floor and breaking forced her to surprisingly leave her moment and she looked at the man behind her who had dropped it and apologized for scaring her. her mouth opened to respond but at that time the doors opened and she noticed there were almost no one waiting for the arrivals. No one. No one passed the doors either but all of a sudden she realised she wasn’t breathing any more. The doors closed and she was still holding her breath. They opened a second later and a middle-aged women passed by them. Just before the doors closed she saw a pair of light brown coloured boots, connected to a dark pair of jeans. The seconds that passed while she was working her sight up from the shoes felt longer than the eternity out in space. She knew it was him before she reached his face, covered slightly with beard and eyes that talked more than anyone could hear, singing a song only she could hear. He saw her and she had by this time already left her seat walking slowly to him with open arms. His lips separated in a big smile and his eyes were now just singing her song. He dropped his bag and entered her open arms with more heat than the sun outside.

I feel like air

I’ve been everywhere and yet it feels like I’ve been nowhere. Do they actually match I wonder. Is everywhere nowhere, because being at one spot at one time means you can’t be anywhere else at the same time. Therefore I wonder if everywhere exists. I can only be here, right now. Nothing can change that.
Whatever step I take from here is a new place and a new “now”. Does that make it easier? No because all of a sudden I can choose direction. It’s a pure joy to be free, no one telling you where to take your next step. But it’s also a nightmare. You don’t know the result of the choices and where they’ll take you next. But isn’t this also what everyone calls life?

There are no guarantees. whatever we choose, will turn out good at the end. It might be a mess today but in the long run, we did learn something right? And how fun would it actually be to already know who your future ex-boyfriend or girlfriend will be? Not that much fun. Reaching the goal is a good thing but the way to reach it is what makes life interesting.

We just have to learn to start listen. If something doesn’t work, let it go. There’s a point it doesn’t work. Move on and if it’s still bugging your head, you’ll know when to take action and bring it back.

I feel like air because you can’t see me. You can’t touch me but I’m always there. I’m always around you, watching you, supporting you, guiding you. Sometimes even rescuing you. You don’t know it but I’m there and I’m breathing. I feel like air because I’m free and that scares me.

 

To you my beloved. I’m with you.

– Life

 

 

The key to Life

Like stormy beaches

I feel so bloody strange, she said. Sarah looked at her and said: Leah, please just let it be as it is, don’t analyse it.

Leah let her head fall over her knees and sighted. How the hell did I come to this she wondered. I woke up feeling perfectly ok, really good actually, and just by the bliss of a second, the trees changed colour, the sky went dark, my heart disappeared and I now have troubles breathing. I even need instructions to breath in and out… What the hell?

Sarah, was still talking but Leah had problems hearing the words… Inside her mind the world was spinning so fast she got dizzy while at the same time she could see sequences just like on a movie roll. Happenings. Hard happenings, giving a rush in her body like it was minus ten around her. Her memory was letting her down, what was real, which were dreams she did experiences or which memories did she create on her own? She was confused, not knowing if she was awake or dreaming anymore. It was like the ocean, creating big waves that took over the shoreline, swept it and brought everything with it back in to the water where we all came from. Things that swept away in the eyes of a second just to be re created in the water and then turn back to the sandy beach somewhere. Just like memories but recycled and given to someone new.

Leah woke up by not being able to breath anymore, Sarah had put her arms around her to give her the appearance of love. Leah slowly got back to reality but was very weak. Her mind was still showing movies of beaching while Leah was still wondering what had happen…?

Vilsen på en ö

Vilsen på en öde ö

Min goda vän Sandra Jakob har länge inspirerat mig och introducerat mig till denna värld som kallas för social media. Men nu börjar jag undra vad har jag gett mig in på? En ö, full med främlingar och inte vilka främlingar som helst utan varenda en kommer att vara närvarande, med dator och gärna en iPhone. Precis som det ska vara i en tid då medvetenhet och närvarande aldrig varit mer populärt. Hur närvarande är man med dator på en konferens? Dubbelt upp eller inte alls? Jag menar, man lyssnar på någon samtidigt som man ska twittra, blogga eller facebook-a om det. Är det mutlitasking i sin yttersta form?

Har länge funderat på det här med social media och hur enkelt det verkar vara, människor kopplas ihop på höger och vänster och snart har vi twitter som sänder ut våra drömmar så att någon kan tyda dem lagom tills vi vaknat så att vi vet hurdan dagen blir eller vad som ska hända oss. Väderleksrapporter har blivit old school. Men med sydeuropeiska rötter i ryggsäcken så undrar jag ofta hur det kommer att sluta. Kommer Facebook att ta över världen genom att fler människor träffas i verkliga livet eller kommer det att gå åt andra hållet att människor blir mer öppna men enbart genom varsin sida av dataskärmen? Vem vet, framtiden bestämmer vi och vi är på rätt väg tycker jag. Jag anser att det vi kallar för framtid är det som skapas utifrån de möten vi har med de människor vi möter.  Varje människa man träffar har något att dela med sig av, om inte kunskap så erfarenheter som kan vara nytta för någon annan. Vår personliga utveckling beror på hur mycket och vad vi tar till oss av dessa möten. Vi är på mycket god väg att lära oss massor tror jag. Jag ser fram emot en helg full av möten och det kan inte bli bättre; en öde ö, mitt i Blekinge och back to basics med tält, vandrarhem och förhoppningsvis spöken som står för den nattliga underhållningen. Det hade kunnat bli en saga av Astrid Lindgren men hon saknade en iPad som man kunde skriva på och det klamrar vi henne inte för. Storyn står vi för och jag som nybörjare ser fram emot att göra det jag älskar; träffa folk in real life.

Detta är ett av alla bidrag till årets SSWC bok 2010. Det finns hundratals skribenter och idéer i boken, ta del av den! Du kan beställa den på http://www.ordochbok.se/visa_produkt.asp?id=388187

Swedish Social Web Camp 2010

Det första jag packade var faktiskt inte iPhonen eller mobilladdaren utan gummistövlar. På något sätt känns de mest centrala denna helg. Efter dem block och pennor. Ja jag ska faktiskt till Swedish Social Web Camp 2010 och jag känner väl lite att jag kommer att sticka ut genom att lämna datorn hemma och köra the old fashion way. Men det är så min värld ser ut.  I min värld klappar jag fåren i hagen på Tjäro, fasar för att vi inte kommer att kunna andas i tältet och för att det kommer att finnas så mycket folk att jag inte kommer hinna prata med alla. För det gillar jag. Att prata. Därför känns detta extra kul att man under ett helt år (eller flera) befinner sig i en virtuell värld, gömd bakom Twitter men med massa intressanta personer på andra sidan skärmen. Nu får man tillfället i akt att träffa dem i persona.

Men visst har jag fördomar. Min vapendragare och den mest skyldiga till att jag faktiskt sitter här med min blogg, mitt twitter konto och alla spännande kontakter, är Sandra som för min del kommer att stå för min egna personliga underhållning denna helg. Denna qvinna har aldrig tältat, det har inte jag heller. Vi har inga husvagns-semestrande föräldrar men har spenderat många mil i bil genom Europa. Denna qvinna har aldrig backpackat, har aldrig sett ett hostel från insidan och kan inte avgöra om att ha eget badrum i delad sovsal som en bra grej. Därför ska detta bli extra spännande. Speciellt när hon undrade hur man kan få till en garderob i ett tält. Jag tror att jag har lösningen men det får vi se imorgon när tältet är uppe.

Först ska vi bara lyckas med just den grejen. Resa tältet. Som inte är vårt och vilket vi aldrig gjort tidigare. Med tanke på vad det är för konferens eller “unconference” så har jag en bild i mitt inre av en massa människor på en äng som sitter bredvid sina ouppackade tält och youtube-ar hur man sätter upp tältet, gärna från någon MacGyver liknande kopia med bred amerikansk engelska. Dessutom ska det hinnas med att twittras vid sidan om, att det saknas en pinne eller liknande, precis som när man kommer hem med en Billy hylla från IKEA. Men jag har inga fördomar. Inte alls. Jag kommer själv att youtube-a men jag gör det kanske ikväll eller så gör jag som jag helst vill göra: Sätta upp tältet bredvid någon som redan har sitt uppe och kan då fråga mig fram. För mig funkar det bättre än youtube. Dock är jag tveksam om MacGyver kan något om tält-garderober…

Har inget emot småkryp och dylikt men gärna inte inkrypandes i min sovsäck på nätterna, annars ska det bli spännande att tälta. Känner mig som 12 år igen. Jiippiieee =)

Annars ska jag säga att jag har inga förväntningar inför helgen. Låter kanske som en tråkmåns men jag har aldrig förväntningar, inte på mina resor, inte på några personer, inte på något. Vet ni varför? För att det blir alltid bra i slutändan! Onödigt att slösa energi på att förvänta sig saker! Visualisera en lyckad helg kan man göra men ska inte förvänta sig fyrverkerier, de dyker upp ändå i de små sakerna, som att man kanske kommer att sova dåligt 2 nätter men man kommer ha kul på dagarna och lära sig massor! Spännande helg i antåg det är vad jag ser fram emot. Men framförallt får jag spendera en hel helg med min underbara vän Sandra, det var länge sen nu och dessutom kul att göra något kul som detta. Så det tackar jag för Sandra, alla skratt i helgen, de fulla vinglasen, småkrypen och alla myggbett man kommer att komma hem med =)

Kanske kommer jag få skaka någon i hand som jag ännu inte känner genom de social medier och kanske får jag tacka personligen de personer som hjälpt mig de gångarna jag slängt ut nödrop på twitter. Näe dags att chilla och se fram emot morgondagen! =))

Life

“Life doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be lived”

-Dexter Morgan